Stolen from the Dilbert blog

EXCERPT FROM THE DILBERT BLOG

Recently my wife told me I chew too loudly. While I don't deny the accusation, I wonder how it is possible for one person to chew more loudly than another, assuming both people have their mouths closed.
Do I have thinner cheeks than the average person? Do other people somehow close their nasal passages when they chew so the noise doesn't come out their nostrils?
I'm reasonably sure the carrot in my mouth doesn't know who is chewing it, so the originating sound is probably the same with me as with anyone else. There must be something freakishly wrong with my skull architecture, like one of those buildings where you can whisper in one corner and someone on the other end can hear it clearly.
There isn't a lot I can do about this problem. If you have ever tried to chew more quietly, you know it sounds exactly like not trying. I went from blissful ignorance about my chewing problem to the painful knowledge I have some sort of mastication disability that will make it impossible for anyone to love me.

So I officially added "You chew too loudly" to my list of things you should never tell another person unless you intend it as a practical joke. So far, the list isn't long. But it includes another one I heard as a teen, when I was most impressionable: "Is that the way you normally walk?" To this day, I only walk from one place to another if I am sure no one is paying attention. So obviously I don't chew anything when I walk, because that's a total disaster.

One of my favorite examples in the genre was a guy who said to a nervous groomsman just before a wedding ceremony "I heard that sometimes you can pass out from standing still for too long when you are anxious." That is pure evil, yet clever enough to be justified, in my opinion. Apparently the victim came close to actually passing out just from the suggestion. Try it at your next wedding and let me know how it turns out.
For more of The Dilbert Blog (at its new home):
www.dilbert.com/blog/

TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS

"I wish life was in 3-D."
"You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"
"I have to go drop a kidney."
"I've already forgotten more than I'll ever know!"
"I'd rather be safe than sore."
"He smokes like a fish!"
"He's not the sharpest hole in the wall."
"My sister gave me a cream-colored couch, and honest-to-god I hate it as much as life itself."
"I'm running around with a head like a chicken."
"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."